I Love You with My Whole Heart All the Time

This will be quick, because I don't want to linger on anything sad today. Every moment with you is one I cherish and celebrate and try to wholly live in.

Sometimes you are so mean to me. You scratch, you hit, you spit, you tell me that you don't want to be my best friend any more, that you'll never play with me again, never talk to me again.

Sometimes I yell back, send you to time-out.

I see these words and scenarios turning into, "I hate you, Mom!" "You never let me go out with my friends!" groundings, and taking the car/phone away.

But, what I really want, no need, you to know is that none of that matters. All of these things are just ripples on the surface of the water. Underneath, my love for you runs miles deep, is as constant as the sun rising.

I will never hold a grudge, in life or in spirit, for any argument we have ever had. Since the moment I knew you existed, our fates were sealed, together as mother and daughter, friends. Forever.

And, so I will always be singing our silly little song to remind you, the one I hum when you're crying, the one I sing loudly over your yelling sometimes, just to remind us both:

I love you with my whole heart, all the time, all the time.
Even when you're sad.
Even when you're grumpy.
Even when you're happy...
I love you with my whole heart, all the time, all the time.
I love you with my whole heart, all the time, all the time.

xoxo,
Mom

Mommy Guilt

Ugh, I'm having the worst mommy guilt today. And it doesn't help that I haven't updated the blog in almost 4 months.

Maybe it's just because you're acting so grown up lately. We carry on grown-up conversations to the point that, sometimes I think I'm talking to a teenager. We're not through the "Horrible 3s" yet, which in all honestly haven't been that horrible. Temper tantrums are still a daily occurrence, especially when you're tired. But I'm so impressed with your abilities to talk it out and listen.

I've always loved you, always missed you while I've been at work, but it's different now. I miss you the way I would miss a best friend. Before, I missed feeling needed as a mom during the day. I missed your smile, your giggles, missed taking care of you. Now I miss your companionship, the conversation, your perspective on life.

I miss hearing you say things like, "The mountains look like waves," or "The sun is chasing me!" -- that little break from reality, a moment to look at the world your way.

I hope it's just hormones or exhaustion, or the Monday blues, but all I want to do is scoop you up and run away for the day. Maybe that's exactly what we both need: more, as you call them, "Mommy-Ellie days."

You Are My Sunshine

Wow, where have the last two months gone? Someday, my dear Ellie, I hope you will read this blog and not be disappointed that I took a 2-month blogging vacation this year.

How do I sum up the last 2 months of being with my beautiful 3-year-old? I just can’t. I can’t capture every moment. And that’s okay. We lived them!

February was tough. There were temper tantrums and arguments, challenges, and trials, but I’m proud of us for working through it. A fellow mom told me that the “horrible 3s” would probably only last about 6 months. That seemed like a long time, but as usual, you’re ahead of the game, and it seems like we’ve reached a new “age of reasoning” early. I hope it lasts!

Sure, we still have our typical tough moments, but especially in the last few weeks, we communicate so well. You’ve learned to calm yourself, and I’ve learned to just let you be angry sometimes. It’s a nice balance.

And, oh the questions! Such beautiful questions you’ve asked me like, 1. “What’s a temper tantrum?” Ha! And 2. “What’s a false alarm?” and 3. “Why are two boys kissing in that video?” (You wanted to watch a short gay-rights activist documentary on YouTube):

1. That thing where you just rolled around, banging your head on the floor, screaming that you wanted a cheese stick.
2. Like, when you think something bad is about to happen but it doesn’t, and…
3. Mommy and Daddy are a couple – a girl and a boy, but some couples are two boys, some are two girls. Does anyone in your class have two mommies or two daddies?

I was prepared to give you a complete history of rights activism in America, with a brief demonstration and roll-out timeline, but you were totally unfazed about that answer. Two people who love each other getting married? What’s the big deal? “Let’s talk more about false alarms.” Smart girl.

In other news, you now get your own cheese sticks from the fridge. I can hand you a granola bar or a bag of Cheddar Goldfish, and you open it by yourself. You stand up on your bed and say things like, “Look how big I am!” And you are! Wow, you are SO tall! I’m sure you’re going to hit 6 feet soon.

Your favorite toys are Anna & Elsa dolls and Paw Patrol anything. We must create elaborate scenes in which Elsa is trapped on a frozen mountain, and the Paw Patrol has to go rescue her. “Pups, to the lookout!” “Rider needs us!”

Your favorite foods are apples, carrots, cantaloupe, cheese sticks, yogurt, peas, mashed potatoes, and ravioli.

You are caring, kind. You don’t like to see anyone get hurt on TV, especially any Paw Patrol pups, or that boy in the Mary Poppins play who pretended to fall down. When we went to see Cinderella on Friday, you couldn’t understand how the step-mom and sisters could be so mean. You exude positivity, love, and acceptance. So, I can confirm what you’ve been telling me for the last few months: that, yes, you are a princess – in all the ways that really matter.

I tell you every day, but I’ll put it in writing again anyway – I love you, I love painting with you, playing with you, dancing, singing, playing Candy Land, Paw Patrol, and Guess Who. If I sometimes seem tired or frustrated, it’s not your fault. You are and always will be my “sunshine.”

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Don't forget that we're still blogging over at ArtSourceVT.com, and we have some exciting upcoming classes listed there. Stay tuned for a FREE April workshop for parents and kids!

Pity Party

So, Mark was just diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. He'll have to be on a CPAP machine for the rest of his life. As I've begun noticing his symptoms more, I started paying closer attention to Ellie's sleep habits. Yep, she has it too. Her pediatrician is sending us to a specialist in Burlington on the 9th.

I know that, in the grand scheme of things, this ranks somewhere between "Ugh, Annoying" and "No Big Deal." There are some amazing parents out there who have dealt with worse. But, you know me and my anxiety. I can't sleep well -- I wake up in the night, trying to listen to her breathing. I know that every coughing spell is a sign that she's stopped breathing for a certain length of time. I've witnessed some scary ones after she's fallen asleep at bedtime.

The doctor says that her body knows what to do, so chances of her completely stopping breathing in her sleep are slim, but there are long-term developmental concerns. She's tired and cranky a lot. Of course, aren't most 3-year-olds? And I've noticed some odd speech things developing, which could all be normal. We'll know more when we talk to the specialist.

This makes me happy.

And, so, all I can do right now is wait. But, you know how I am about waiting... anticipatory anxiety is my kryptonite, and I'm not much of a superhero to begin with. I have good days and bad. This morning, I'm totally depressed. The thought of my little girl having to have her tonsils out breaks my heart, even though it's a relatively simple procedure, and we may not even have to do that. I know I can say "no" unless it's absolutely necessary, a.k.a. her life is in danger.

I thought writing about this would help me feel better, but all I've done is admit that it's a real thing when, up to this point, I've floated in and out of the preliminary worrying stage.

I don't even want this post to transition into all the wonderful things going on right now, as we're recovering from this flu. I feel like it will all be squashed by one big, looming tonsillectomy.

I want to go hide in a TV show, good music, or a box of donuts, and I don't have access to any of those things right now.

So, welcome to my pity party, readers.

If you want a more sunshiney post, check out our Birdhouse Craft Fail on the art blog. :-)

Oh Goodness

Has it really been a full month? I've been dedicating lots of time to the art site, freelance design work, and... oh yeah, raising a 3-year-old!

She's the best, and we finally had our first official birthday party with friends and family. I can't tell you how much it meant to me, especially since we were all sick on birthdays 1 and 2.

This year was all about Paw Patrol. She handled most of the party planning, ordered balloons, picked out all the supplies for her cake and helped decorate it. Is she related to my sister... or what?

She's the best, and we had a great time! 2015 is going to be a great year! I'm determined to do the usual resolution-related things like eat better, shower more, make fewer messes, and work harder. I also hope to continue raising a pretty amazing kid. I think we've done OK so far. She's awfully feisty at times, but she has a heart of gold.

I still can't believe we'll be starting our 4th year here at YMIS! It's pretty exciting! I have no plans of stopping blogging here. I write mainly for Ellie -- so she'll have a record of the early years. So, I'll definitely continue to write and update as I can.

One small change that I'm planning -- linking this site to the art blog, as essentially a MASSIVE bio if our local artist friends want to learn more about us!

What this means only right now is that Instagram is going to now be @artsourcevt. I may eventually switch over Twitter too, but we'll see... Anyway, point is -- we're in it for the long-haul.

Mark and Ellie are now quietly playing Paw Patrol. I've been assigned some role in this play. I think I'm the doctor for the pups. She keeps bringing me a pup, and nail clippers, and asking me to fix sprained paws and remove splinters. Gotta run, as we have a new patient... and, oh yeah, it's way past bedtime!

If you haven't ready my absolutely terrifying post about bringing a toddler to a gas station bathroom, check it out on the BVT Moms Blog -- The Horrors of Parenting!

Ho Ho Holy Crap! It's Almost Christmas.

Hello again, dear readers! I just realized that YMIS is going to be 3-years-old in a few weeks! I can't believe it! This was one of my first posts (here) that I wrote 12 days before having Ellie! It's nice to be able to go back in time and read about my new-mom experiences here!

Anyway, Christmas is fast-approaching, and I'm as organized as I'll ever be. Most the toys and toast crusts have been picked up off the floor. Mark has been on dish duty, and I've been following Ellie around with a mop and broom.

Therefore, our house is livable, I've picked up Ellie's ToysRUs layaway. I've finished one true-crime book, one true-haunting book, and am halfway through another fiction mystery. I've made almost all of my homemade Christmas gifts, Ellie has had a bath this week, hair washed, in a ponytail, nails cut and painted.

We have snow tires on both vehicles, have solidified holiday plans, and my anxiety is manageable. I even helped manage our company's sponsor-a-family donation collection this year, for 2 families! We delivered the gifts yesterday, and it felt GREAT to know we were helping families have a brighter holiday this year.

I mean, you know, I'm behind on design work, haven't finished all my homemade Christmas presents, haven't wrapped a thing, am totally NOT doing yoga, and I never did get our Christmas cards out (there's still hope!). But you know what? I'm focusing on the things I have done! Yay me!

Elle is super excited about Christmas this year, which is making it SO fun. Her little stuffed snowman has been bringing her Hershey kisses or M&Ms every morning, and she's so happy to get up and check her advent calendar.

I can't wait to see her face on Christmas morning, when she gets to open the presents we got her. The other day, Mark was driving her to day care, and she said, "I just want to sit here and imagine it's Christmas."

And, each morning, she asks... "Is today Christmas?" When the day finally arrives, it is going to blow. her. mind. Stockings and candy, yummy food, and presents. Every kids' dream! And yeah, family togetherness, and all that jazz too! The holidays are magical.

As you probably know by now, if I'm quiet over the next few weeks, you can find me over at the BVT Moms Blog. Stay tuned for a post entitled Documenting Life -- all about how I came to terms with what I could and couldn't do under the pressure to preserve memories and take millions of photos of my kid AND some great resources for preserving memories!

We're also making TONS of art! Check it out in Our Gallery on the ArtSourceVT page.

If you don't hear from me before next year, have a wonderful holiday season, and thanks for another wonderful year!

The Old Fool

Hello, lovely readers! Just a quick update today to document some of E's funny toddler antics.

But first! Don't forget that, if it's quiet here, you can find us at a few other virtual locations!

My most recent post for the BVT Moms Blog documents our funny story about surviving our Florida vacation (here).

My other BVT Moms Blog posts live here. And check out the other amazing writers on the site. I just love those ladies/guys!

I also recently did a guest post for MomBabble.com about why I think it's okay to tell my daughter she's beautiful (here)!

There are also frequent updates, new friends, and travels we're writing about on the art blog (artsourcevt.com)!

As always, thanks for your support, and Happy Holidays!!

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My toddler has been calling me an "old fool" lately, and her little sense of humor just seems to be blooming. As usual, I'm totally overwhelmed with trying to document every funny thing this kid says. Besides the usual screeching of "I'M NEVER GOING TO BED!!" her cute, little phrases like "Well, hello, my dearie," just crack us up and melt our hearts.

Last Friday night, I went out with Kim to her art show, and we didn't get back until late. Mark had put Ellie to bed at his parents' house in her usual spot, on a mattress next to my bed. I climbed into bed long after she fell asleep, so when she woke up in the morning, she had no idea it was me sleeping in the big bed. I figured that out after she whispered, "Daddy? Is that you?"

So, I ducked under the covers and peeked out at her. Her little eyes looked right at mine, and she started laughing... and laughing. She fell over onto her pillow and laughed more.

Finally, I ducked my head out, she looked straight at me and said, "Mama! I looked up! I peeked at the blankets, and I saw an EYE!!!!! And, I thought, 'Hmm... who is that!?'"

So freakin' adorable! When I pick her up at day care, she runs to me, jumps in my arms, and says, "Awww... you old fool!!" She's definitely the silly kid in class, and the antics continue at home.

Bedtime is an absolute nightmare, but we laugh a lot. She's getting more daring and thinks nothing of scaling furniture to launch herself onto my shoulders or diving 3 feet off her bed to catch me before I try to sneak out the door. Like most kids, she needs to use the potty twice, have 2 glasses of milk, 1 glass of water. By that time, I'm tackling my freelance work and pass those tasks off to my loving husband. Ha!

There's non-stop conversation from Elle -- "Did you know snowflakes taste like candlelight?" That's sweet! "No, I think they taste like cheese." "Mama, is tomorrow a day care day?" "Excuse me, Mama!! Is tomorrow a day care day!?" YES.

"Ellie, if you don't get to bed, snowman (our version of elf-on-the-shelf) won't bring you a treat in the morning."

"No, no, no!!" she says, "Hold on."

She goes and finds snowman Olaf and puts him right next to the tree. She gives him a little pep talk and rushes off to bed.

Holy Snowflakes

Can we just have a moment of silence for my lost childhood? I miss it so much ...

Thank you.

If there's one thing this Florida trip has taught me, it's that... my life isn't my own any more. And I'm okay with that, really. It's just that, sometimes it slaps you in the face when you least expect it. Vacation was wonderful, and I can say that because... I feel like it was all it should have been -- a perfect culmination of challenges and joy.

It was not an easy trip... plane rides, layovers, carrying a toddler around when she refused to walk or sit in the stroller... My body is still recovering. It's funny, though, those memories fade away -- the achey feet. I've already almost forgotten that Elle and I were fighting awful colds and spent the day after Disney laying in bed watching TV.

But I will never forget running through the lobby of the Grand Floridian with my two-year-old, while the lobby piano player played "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" or that exact moment when my toddler became a "princess" and started ordering everyone around. When she saw the castle for the first time and hugged me, because we had finally made it there -- that castle that she sees at the beginning of her favorite movies -- Frozen, and Lady and the Tramp. When she saw the ocean for the first time.

I love making the impossible seem possible to her. In fact, sometimes I make it a priority over other things -- like bills. Money was tight this trip, and we'll struggle a bit over the next few weeks, but we saw an opportunity and took it. And that's how I want her to live her life, especially as she grows up and becomes a teenager. I want her to feel like she can have a goal and make it happen, that a little luck, good friends, and faith can help her achieve whatever she wants -- even something as seemingly simple as seeing the Disney castle. There was such a feeling of achievement when, as a family, we made it there. To that very moment.

We're back in Vermont. Wow! Snow. Cold. Elle insisted we set up the Christmas tree, because snow = winter = Christmas. So, we did, and it's nice. In fact, I feel like we've transitioned back into home life pretty well.

I'm really into working on our KidsArtSourceVT.com site, right now. So, if you're looking for us -- start there! I think about it constantly and dream someday that we'll have an official studio, where kids and parents can come over and make art any time for free! A friend of mine suggested renting some space at the library, which I'm considering. If you have any thoughts/suggestions/ideas, please feel free to comment or email me on Facebook or at YourMomIsStrange@gmail.com.

Here are all our Instagram vacation photos via #StrangeFamilyVaca2014:

Disney Dream Chaos

Hello, Dear Friends!

Just checking in to say that the next few days are going to be complete chaos prepping for our one-day Disney Dream Vacation. We are packing tonight and will have to be completely ready by tomorrow night, because we fly out at 6am on Wednesday morning! We'll be staying in Florida, taking in the local sights, and spending one day at Disney, one day at Universal.

Ellie is ecstatic. In her mind, leaving "in a few days" means leaving "now." She can barely sleep, and I crush her dreams every time she looks up at me with the kind of hope in her eyes that only a two-year-old could have and asks, "Are we leaving for Florida NOW?"

"Just a few more days," I say sadly.
"But why?" "How?" "I don't understand."

We take another link off our paper count-down chain and put another sticker on our monthly calendar. Soon enough, Lady, soon enough!

Time to slow down and prepare for our first ever (real) family vacation! Follow our journey on Instagram and Twitter, and I'll update the blog as soon as I can!

Love,
The Strange Family

P.S. She doesn't know that's not an Elsa dress she's wearing... Shh!

Well, I'm Back

My business trip to Minneapolis was great! I got to meet some wonderful people who I'll be working with shortly! The trip was filled with missed opportunities, missed connecting flights, missing my family, but I really couldn't complain. It was a vacation for this full-time working mama! I got to stay at nice hotels, expense my meals, and a last-minute flight cancellation meant that I got to check out the Mall of America.

I met some wonderfully friendly folks in Minnesota -- a fellow mom who was in a similar traveling situation, a 75-year-old shuttle driver who had been in the airline business for over 50 years, the super flamboyant flight-delay guy who showered us with free gifts from Delta.

Ellie had sent Moosey with me, and I busied myself taking photos of him on various legs of the journey. I was surprised how much of a security item it came to be. Me and Moosey, like Tom Hanks and Wilson, survived the wild terminals together.

FaceTime with my family!

I came home to a messy apartment, and two people who were overjoyed to see me. It was great to be home, and I was ready for the weekend. Ellie climbed on me, hugged me, kissed my nose, my eyes. I held her like a baby in my arms, and she laughed out loud as I tickled her. It was then that I noticed her ridiculously swollen, white-spotted tonsils! Quick trip to the doctor confirmed it -- she has strep throat. Welcome home, Mama! Antibiotics, fluids, and rest. Fingers crossed that the rest of us have been inoculated via toddler smooches.

We were all tired and moody. Ellie through typical toddler temper tantrums, and I just wasn't quite ready to deal. I cried off and on, adjusting to re-entry of family life. Friday night, I climbed halfway into bed and fell asleep before my head reached the pillow. Mark had to move me so he could get in bed. Saturday was better, vacation excitement (1 week!), got the apartment cleaned, grocery shopping done. I feel like we're finally on the home stretch!

Hello, My Belle

This morning, I'm sitting in an airport, waiting for my flight to leave to Philadelphia, then Minnesota! I miss you dearly but was so happy to see you this morning and rock you in the chair like a little baby, to laugh, and put you in the car, waving as I sent you off to day care!

I'll be home late tomorrow night and will give you snuggly hugs and kisses, even if you're asleep!

I want you to know that it's okay that you didn't want to send Banjo off with me on a plane. He feels safe with you, and I have Moose to keep me company!

I'm going to sign off now and get ready to board!

Two Weeks

Oh, dear readers. Has it really been 2 whole weeks since I've posted?

It must be, because our countdown-to-Florida-vacation chain has only 17 links left on it, and my Minnesota business trip is 2 days away!

Ellie is decked out in her Halloween costume and has already been the star princess at two Halloween parties. Where did my baby go?

I still don't feel used to this full-time schedule, though I'm more awake this week. I still roll out of bed as the sun is coming up and pray for five more minutes of sleep.

My little girl is growing up so fast, and suddenly I feel like I'm missing big moments. Always a give and take. Picking her up two hours later shouldn't be the end of the world, but it is hard some days. There isn't much time to play together, so I include her in dinner prep and all art projects. We run errands together more often.

We're closer in this way, surviving together, but she's growing up too fast. I can take her anywhere. I took her to the mall last week, let her eat dinner at Applebee's. Though the woman behind us seemed less than pleased to have a toddler sitting anywhere near her, Elle was an angel. She climbed up in her chair, unfolded her napkin, and said, "And how was your day, Mommy?" Oh, my heart. Too grown up. Slow down, sweet baby. I felt better after, when she insisted on riding in the mall cart that looked like a schoolbus, insisted she ride the mini carousel, and said, "Okay, Mommy, now just chase me in circles." I did, and she laughed her head off, much to the delight of the last few mall shoppers, headed toward the exit as the mall closed.

It seems like there are so many new things to write about, but I don't know where to begin. I'll update again soon. Promise.

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If you're really missing me and E and our daily updates, you can always find us hanging out on Instagram and Twitter (@urmomisstrange). Our Facebook page mainly just has blog updates, but follow if you're worried you might miss one! :-)

Of course, I also blog for the BVT Moms Blog (my posts here -- stay tuned this week for a sweet E post), and we are busy, busy keeping up with the KidsArtSourceVT site, making connections in the community and, of course, making ART!

As always, thanks for reading!
G

Mommy Offerings

So, for the first time in a long time, I don't feel like writing. In fact, I'm writing this sentence in the hopes that I'll just start and keep going...

I have a food hangover from the weekend, am reeling from Gone Girl, and feeling sleepy after spending a much-needed evening visiting with family.

This full-time thing is tough. I forgot what it was like to not want to do anything except work, play, and sleep. Dishes, laundry, meal prep... hardly a priority. I must choose carefully what I dedicate my time and energy to, because there is so little of it to go around.

I'm back in a 21-Day-Fix challenge group, to try to get in better shape for my vacation. I say it's so that I'll be able to walk around more comfortably without getting tired so easily, but the reality is that I hate my body when I look in the mirror. I still see a slender waist, relative to the size of my body, but my hips have gotten bigger. More importantly, I'm uncomfortable moving, getting up off the couch. I've put on 40lbs since last year.

I tell my reflection that it's fine, that everyone's bound to have a food-honeymoon after not being able to eat what they want without getting sick for most of their life. Since starting my Crohn's medication, I can eat what I want, when I want. Greasy foods, sweet foods, it doesn't matter, but it's time to limit those foods to a one-time weekend treat.

This morning, I put on my running shoes, mainly for warmth. It was freezing outside, I had to scrape ice off my car windows. I drove to work, then walked to the grocery store. I bought fruit and English muffins, almond butter, and fat-free coffee creamer. I walked the long way, took the stairs.

And suddenly, I'm walking, wearing running shoes, and carrying fruit around. Baby stepping to big change. My counselor said that I should take on one task at a time instead of trying to do everything at once. So, I am. I've been keeping up with dishes, with Mark's help, and trying to work my way around the apartment and clean up, but dishes is my one household chore for the week.

Oh, and the parenting thing? Well, that's been a breeze. I've realized that if I just let her do what she wants 90% of the time, my job becomes super easy. It also helps that I have a wonderful daughter who wants to do pretty reasonable things, like help me clean, or paint leaves. I even let her do the things that are seemingly unreasonable, like wash quarters in a colander. To her, these little things are big things. To me, they may seem small, but her little to-do list, just like mine, is teaching her how to do big things -- like thinking outside the box, coming up with creative solutions to problems, and being an all-around cool kid.

I think we're doing alright... especially since last night she celebrated my "birthday" early (it's in February) and surrounded me with a dozen pieces of Nini's pewter collectibles -- an altar of offerings to the great "Mommy." I'll continue trying to live up to that status!

I'm Here. It's Monday.

I'm here, lovely readers. It's just been, you know, a long weekend. All of a sudden I have this kid, a real kid, not a toddler... who says things like, "Well, I don't know what I think about that," and "Daddy, I think you forgot to make Mommy some toast. Here Mommy, have a piece of mine while you wait." God love her sweet, little soul.

I was in a complete daze yesterday, out of coffee, down to our last $20, trying to grocery shop, but she kept me in the here-and-now, telling me stories, holding my hand at the grocery store. She had me skip across the tiles with her and said, "Here, let me show you around." Mark grabbed the few items on our shopping list, and I got to spend a few carefree moments in toddler land, where the most important things on her to-do list were finding more floor tiles to jump on and staring at the olive cart in Aisle 9.

We're all tired, but life is good.

Toddler Cleaning Schedule

I wish I had some advice to offer you about how to keep your house clean, because I've written numerous posts about getting my apartment in order but haven't exactly figured it out yet, at least not long-term. Just search "cleaning" on my blog, and you'll see my progress, or lack thereof.

Well, thankfully, my 2-year-old grew into a 55-year-old woman last week and has completely taken over our home and put me on a cleaning schedule. Say what you want about our parenting -- maybe I'm a little too lax with her at times, or maybe Mark and I tend to lean a little more toward 'follower' rather than 'leader' in our parenting roles, sometimes. But, generally speaking, I was content with a messy living room, finished paintings spread across the living room floor, and a kitchen clean enough to make food in.

My darling Ellie, however, was not. We got home from day care on Friday, and she started in, "Mama. You need to make some more space for me. This place is a mess."

The mommy-guilt hit me like a truck. "You're right, Elle. I'll pick up today."

"Okay, and I will help you," she offered.
"Alright."

"Also, there is no bucket for my dishes, and we need to wash them after we're done eating," she said.

"You know, that's a good idea." I mean, letting them sit in the sink until the following morning or afternoon... or until Mark comes home from work the following evening... probably not the best habit to get into.

I set up a bucket for her, an orange one I had left over from our craft corner. "Get me a chair, please," she insisted.

I pulled a chair over from the dining room table. She climbed up on it and started washing her snack dishes, setting up a system similar to the one they have at day care, where each child is responsible for cleaning up after themselves, and there is a designated space for clean and dirty dishes.

I followed suit, put away dishwasher dishes, and loaded the dishwasher with the dishes that were sitting in the sink from the previous night. I grabbed some cleaner dishes from that day and handed them to her to wash. I bleached my sink and wiped the counters while she did that.

She set up her empty bucket to use after dinner and hopped off the chair, in search of a mop and broom. I asked her to please pick up the paintings off the living-room floor first.

"Mommy. I'm much too busy for that right now."

I wasn't going to argue. Clearly, she had her own schedule she was trying to adhere to. I stifled a laugh and picked up the living room, started folding laundry. Ellie grabbed the mop and broom. I helped her sweep. Then, she mopped every square inch of the apartment, using her vinegar solution I made up for her. The living room smelled like a pickle cannery.

I watched our home transform from terrifying to livable, all at the direction of a 2-year-old.

It was actually kind of phenomenal. And, I mean, if she's happy, I can be happy with it like this. Sure, we're forever working on an endless heap of laundry folding, and finished paintings are spread over almost every surface of our living- and dining-room, but you know what? I kind of like it that way. As long as I can sit on my couch, cook in my kitchen, eat at my table, and paint at my craft corner, I'm pretty gosh darn happy, and so is she apparently!

Mark came home, and we had some pasta for dinner. Ellie explained the new kitchen system to him. After dinner, he sat in the recliner with his bowl of pasta, kicked his feet up, and took his last few bites of macaroni. Elle got up from the table, put her bowl in the orange bucket, stomped over to the recliner with her hands on her hips and said, "Daddy. Are you done with that bowl?"

"Um, yeah. Why?"
"Well, you know where it goes. Right in that bucket. Come on. Let's go."

Studio Time

Sorry for the lack of posts last week. I've been busy over in our "studio," also known as... my kitchen and backyard. Check out our progress there!

Bathroom Narrative

The weight of potty-training days is upon us. So, as you can imagine, I've seen the inside of every public restroom in the tri-state area.

E and I are always out and about, and I've started to suspect that visiting every restroom she can find is less about "having to go" and more about exploring new restrooms. Meanwhile, I say a silent prayer, begging sweet, little baby Jesus to keep us from contracting every known virus in the western hemisphere.

Last week, we took a trip to Shaw's to do a big, 2-week grocery shopping. I had Elle use the bathroom before we left the house, but that didn't stop her from saying, "I really, really have to go potty," as soon as she saw the "Restroom" sign glowing at the back of the dairy aisle.

As you know, my 2-year-old has the vocabulary of a relatively-smart high-school student, and can say all kinds of words and phrases quickly and clearly like "perpendicular" and "easy-peasy lemon squeezy!" In fact, yesterday, while we were driving home, she said, "Mommy, will the blue bus be picking up passengers this afternoon?" and "I think I'd like to buy a blue house. Yes, a blue house with a black bird in the yard." She turns every task into a long, toddler narrative. It's kind of... adorable.

This trip to the bathroom was no different than a walk outside, and she stormed into the Shaw's restroom, commenting on everything from the color of the tile walls to the available number of hand dryers. The Shaw's bathroom doesn't get a lot of customers, so it was quiet except for a loud toddler voice booming off the ceramic tile walls and floors.

"Mommy, let's use this stall."
"Okay," I said, as I closed the door and set her on the potty.
"Mommy! Do you think someone will steal our car-cart?" (the fire-engine one for kids to ride in)
"Oh no, I don't think so. It's full of our groceries, and I'm sure that, if someone sees it waiting there, they'll know we just stopped to use the restroom."
"Mama, can you tell me that story again?"

I repeat the story of the abandoned car-cart. Outside our stall, the restroom door swings open, and I hear heels click across the tile. A stall door slams, and I hear someone sit down.

I stifle a laugh, as I watch E's reaction and prepare for a lengthy narrative in what could only be described as a "stage whisper," as my dear friend Melissa would call it. E is completely unaware that the other sitter can hear her. As a confused look spreads across her face, it begins...

"MAMA!! Someone is IN HERE!"
"Yes, I know. Someone came in to use the restroom."
"MAMA!! What is THAT MAN doing?"
"Well, it's not a man. It's a woman." (I hope.)
"MAMA! Why is it a woman?"
"This is the ladies' restroom, so it's probably a woman."
"I THINK IT'S A MAN."
"Okay," I try to act disinterested in hopes that she'll drop the conversation. It doesn't work.

"MAMA!! That MAN is GOING PEE-PEE!!"
"Yep. He is..."

I hoped we would avoid the "mystery man" at the sink, but E hopped off the potty, pulled up her pants (never having gone pee-pee herself), and blasted out the stall door to get a better look. Thankfully, it was a sweet, older woman, in artsy clothes, spunky hair, and orange, plastic-rimmed glasses.

She told Elle, "You're absolutely right! I did go pee-pee!"
"Yeah!" Elle replied, giving her the thumbs-up.

I've never spent so much time at Shaw's. I think 3 other families came in and completed their weekly shopping while we were in there. Before check-out, E said she had to go potty again.

How do I know what's real!? I'm living in a Twilight-Zone-like altered-reality in which every day is an endless maze of restrooms, like a 2D video game from the 80s, like Paper Boy, but the object is to just navigate restrooms. All day.

I told her she'd have to wait until we got home and rushed out of the store, broke two grocery bags that the cashier had over-filled, and lost a pound of butter in the parking lot. Next time, I'm sending Mark.

What's New!

Still kicking over here, dear friends and readers. Here's where I've been while you were looking for me...

• Writing blog posts at BVT Moms! Some heavy stuff in there, but I know ya'll can handle it!
• Making new art on the Art Source site! Check out all of our most recent posts! The site is filling up nicely, and I'm proud of that!
• Updating the Etsy Shop! I just renewed a bunch of expired listings and was thrilled to find that I had sold two more prints! I was not so thrilled to find that I had an email from a customer that never made it to my main inbox! I'm paying better attention now!

What else? Full-time work is kicking my butt, and the emotional stuff going on surrounding my most recent blog post has been exhausting, but you know what? There are people who have it worse than me, and I'm very grateful for all the joy in my life. The tough thing about social media is that everyone has a window into your life, your soul, and they're free to judge you however they please. The good thing is that I can control when to close that window to certain people.

I felt a strong sense today that everything would be okay, that if I need help or added strength, all I have to do is ask. And, when I did, I felt that familiar rush that comes along with strong faith and a spiritual acceptance of the unknown.

"All good things, all good things!" as Olaf would say.

Family life is great, the apartment is a wreck, my toddler is simultaneously being a terror and a joy... as it should be, and life goes on! Here is the first pic from my 5-days-grateful challenge. Silly family; a good, flexible job with a hot cup of coffee in my Two Potters' mug; and art + freedom of expression.

Funny, last year at this time I was dealing with some of the same things... but we're making so much progress too. Last year, I was only thinking about building more art into the blog. Now I've made it a big reality, and that feels GREAT!

What's new with you?

Bedtime Battle

We're still recovering from Art Hop weekend (more here) and the Bedtime Battle last night. In E's defense, she DID use the potty 6 times, NEEDED 3 glasses of milk, and WAS really hungry.

But, I said "no" to late-night snacks, after she ate a big dinner, because that tends to keep her up later, and tonight I think I'll cut off milk a little earlier.

As frustrating as this is, she has been absolutely adorable while making all attempts to avoid sleep. When I pretend to fall asleep next to her, she puts her nose right against mine and whispers (loudly), "Mommy... MOMMY."

"Hmm?"
"It's morning time now. We can get up!"
"Nice try..."

She giggles, as I get laughing. It basically turns into a middle-school slumber party. She's learning that, if she gets me laughing, she gets to stay up later. Her techniques for getting me to laugh are... admittedly, hilarious.

She squawks like a bird, nodding her head up and down, her little bangs bouncing like loose parrot feathers over her eyes. It gets me every time. She dances like a monkey, sticks out her chin like an old man and says in perfect Olde-English, "Not today, Sir!" when I insist it's time to get some sleep.

She says, "Wait, wait, wait, Mommy," as I try to rush out her bedroom door, "I just want to tell you a story," as I step a little further out into the hall, "Once upon a time!!" It's a trap. The story has begun. Leaving would mean I have ignored some important creative process that has already been set into motion by those magical words. "I woke up! And, my highchair and bib were GONE." It is a sad soliloquy riddled with symbolism of lost baby-hood. Her eyes widen with excitement, and I must ((gasp)) with utter terror and amazement and ask, as if reading from my toddler's script, "And who took them!?" Her eyes squint, her hands morph into claws, her little nose turns up, wrinkled with disgust, "A monster." I can only assume that I am represented by the beast in this odd play. I respond with appropriate levels of disdain and horror and escape to the living room.

She storms out of her room while we're watching Master Chef and declares, with perfect pronunciation, that tomorrow she would like to make a "croquembouche," demanding to know what it is and how we could create it. I stumble, "Um, it's like a tower of little donut holes, with cream in the middle." "Sounds delicious," she waves her hand dismissively. I glance at the stove clock as the numbers change to, "10:49."

"Ellie Jean, back to bed, in..."
"5-4-3-2-1!" she yells.

And, repeat.

Friday Funk

I am in such a funk this Friday. I overslept, had a teary goodbye with E this morning, and a challenging bedtime battle with her last night.

I think we're all just struggling to adjust to this new schedule. She wanted to stay and play with her friends at preschool yesterday, so I let her give me a playground tour, and she was thrilled to show me the bunnies and teepee. Leaving to head home was a little challenging, as you can see below, but I let her have her lay-in-the-grass time. I need to do the same sometimes.

When we got home, she was upset that it was so close to dinner and bedtime, and she didn't want me spending any time away from her. I let her help me with a breakfast dinner of eggs and pancakes, and this made me feel better about my choice to pick her up at 3 instead of letting her go out to the playground until 4 with the other kids each day. And, I realized that, no matter how tired I am after working a full day, I need to give her my full attention from 3pm until dinner time. We both need that time together.

Overall, I think we've done well this week. Mark is taking me and E out to dinner tonight to celebrate. Nothing fancy, of course, but who needs fancy when you're in great company? Not this mama! Give me green grass, blue skies, and some steak fries!