Pity Party

So, Mark was just diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. He'll have to be on a CPAP machine for the rest of his life. As I've begun noticing his symptoms more, I started paying closer attention to Ellie's sleep habits. Yep, she has it too. Her pediatrician is sending us to a specialist in Burlington on the 9th.

I know that, in the grand scheme of things, this ranks somewhere between "Ugh, Annoying" and "No Big Deal." There are some amazing parents out there who have dealt with worse. But, you know me and my anxiety. I can't sleep well -- I wake up in the night, trying to listen to her breathing. I know that every coughing spell is a sign that she's stopped breathing for a certain length of time. I've witnessed some scary ones after she's fallen asleep at bedtime.

The doctor says that her body knows what to do, so chances of her completely stopping breathing in her sleep are slim, but there are long-term developmental concerns. She's tired and cranky a lot. Of course, aren't most 3-year-olds? And I've noticed some odd speech things developing, which could all be normal. We'll know more when we talk to the specialist.

This makes me happy.

And, so, all I can do right now is wait. But, you know how I am about waiting... anticipatory anxiety is my kryptonite, and I'm not much of a superhero to begin with. I have good days and bad. This morning, I'm totally depressed. The thought of my little girl having to have her tonsils out breaks my heart, even though it's a relatively simple procedure, and we may not even have to do that. I know I can say "no" unless it's absolutely necessary, a.k.a. her life is in danger.

I thought writing about this would help me feel better, but all I've done is admit that it's a real thing when, up to this point, I've floated in and out of the preliminary worrying stage.

I don't even want this post to transition into all the wonderful things going on right now, as we're recovering from this flu. I feel like it will all be squashed by one big, looming tonsillectomy.

I want to go hide in a TV show, good music, or a box of donuts, and I don't have access to any of those things right now.

So, welcome to my pity party, readers.

If you want a more sunshiney post, check out our Birdhouse Craft Fail on the art blog. :-)