Wednesday, February 29, 2012

On Being a Graphic Designer

Me: Can I tell you something annoying?
Mark: Is it about me?
Me: No. I got this email from the designer who's replacing me while I'm on maternity leave, but that's not what annoyed me. She asked me for my InDesign files. I know some designers are weird about that, but that's not what annoyed me either. At the end of her email, she wrote, "Having a child is the greatest joy in life, and the second greatest joy is being a Graphic Designer."
Mark: Ahh, Ben Franklin?
Me: What? No. Its just that... I'm not sure being a designer even makes my Top 10. What does that mean?

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Letting Go

Little E is finally transitioning out of my arms and into her own bed to sleep at night.

What scares me most about this transition? -That I didn't notice how uncomfortable she was sleeping in my arms now that she's gotten bigger. I ignored it, because I felt she was safest with me, holding and watching her.

And while that may be entirely true, it's not what's best for her. This must be one of the hardest things to deal with as a parent - the struggle between what is best versus what is safest.

And the really scary thing? What I feel is safest may not be safe at all. It's the foundation of all my anxiety - fear of the unknown.

It's probably good that I'm realizing this now, at the crib stage... On the other hand, I'm freaking out about it now... and we're only at the crib stage.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

My Little Trooper

We went home to New York this weekend to visit my parents and grandparents.

Grandma and Grandpa chain-smoked for years and honestly have lived longer than we all expected. Both are now in their 80s but dying from cancer. Last week they gave my grandma a week to live.

We really wanted her to meet Little E, so we left for New York Friday night after Mark finished work. Five hours on the road with a five-week-old. Yikes! I'm still not used to our home routine, so I really had to plan ahead for this trip.

Surprisingly, it wasn't too difficult. E slept the entire trip. We had to take a ferry, so I took her out of her seat then and fed her and changed her diaper. She went right back to sleep for the rest of the trip. It was like a vacation for me. I read my Kindle, crocheted, and chatted with Mark.

We got to my parents at 2am, and they helped us so much. Mom was able to get E to sleep so I could rest. We spent all day Saturday visiting and fussing over E. It was so relaxing.

Sunday we went to my grandparents' house. They had a "No Smoking" sign on their front door. I thought, "That's ironic..." especially considering the arguments my parents had with them about smoking around us as kids. It got to the point that they wouldn't come to our house to see us, because they weren't allowed to smoke in the house.

Wow, I just realized how much that "No Smoking" sign pissed me off. I've never smoked a day in my life, but I took it personally. I thought, "They can't just become born-again anti-smokers, at 80, while dying of cancer."

It felt like the equivalent of a serial killer turned priest, who put a sign on his cell wall just for me that read, "Thou shall not kill."

Anyway, for the first time in my life, I saw them without the cloud of smoke in their living room. It was sunny and clear. Both Grandma and Grandpa held E. Grandma's mind and memory are failing. She begged me to hold the baby, so we propped up E on a pillow on her lap. She cuddled her and examined her feet.

Then she forgot she was holding her and tried to use E's head as an armrest. I quickly moved her elbow off of E's face and decided to pick her up. Grandma fought me, but I had to insist... She yelled and told everyone to shut up and leave her alone. I scooped up E, and soon Grandma forgot about it. The funny thing is that, when my sister and I were little, Grandma never took much interest in us. She loved us but was just more detached. Something about seeing her fight for E made me emotional. Maybe I shouldn't read into it too much, but it was like... I know she always loved us, but it felt like the cancer broke down that barrier that always kept her from showing us just how much.

The longer we were there, the more obvious it was that Gram was fading fast. She couldn't stand on her own and was refusing help. She'd randomly start singing funny songs. When I smiled at her, she yelled, "Stop laughing at me!!"

Finally we decided to head out, and we said our goodbyes. I left with a good feeling about the visit. When I got to our car, I realized I had left E's diaper bag in the house. I went back in, and my aunt was in the bathroom helping Gram. She poked her head out and asked if I wanted to say one last goodbye to Gram. I went in, and she was on the toilet. My aunt insisted it was fine. I gave Gram a quick kiss on the cheek. She started talking like a little kid, not wanting to go to the bathroom. She asked me to stay so she could get up and hug me. I waited, but my aunt eventually ushered me out. I left, but I regret not waiting - not giving her one more moment of dignity to stand on her own two feet and hug her granddaughter goodbye.

Anyway, overall it was a successful trip, and everyone was happy that we did the trip and brought E. She was a fantastic traveler (better than me), and I was so proud of her patience being passed around so much. She was so quick to adapt to new people and places.

I can't help but feel that this little five-week-old baby helped make the situation okay for me too. How blessed I am to have a calm, little soul by my side; a warm, little hand to hold; and a funny, little smile to help me heal and move forward.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Currently Reading

Hoping this solves all my problems!

Little E is easing her way into a more normal schedule already (per Chapter 2)!

The doctor says shes still too young to be put on a schedule, so we're just keeping an eye on the clock and starting a routine for morning and afternoon naps and bedtime.

I have to say, she is a much happier baby already! Her feedings are becoming more regular too - just about every 3 hours, instead of every half hour. :-)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Ahh, Romance!

Me: ...And so that was the dream I had... Mark: Wait. What?? Me: The dream I had, about the house we would buy someday. Mark: Ok, pretend I didn't hear anything you just said... as an experiment.

Monday, February 13, 2012


When we brought Little E home she would only sleep 1-2 hours in her bassinet before waking up. I didn't realize that was normal.

One month later, and she won't sleep in it at all. So yesterday I finally washed all her crib bedding and took the plastic off the mattress... I put her in there during the day, and she loved it! She didn't sleep, but I thought getting her used to it was good anyway.

When Mark and I switched shifts this morning, I fed her, she fell asleep, and I thought, "What the heck, let's give this crib thing a try..." She's been sleeping in there for 2 hours!!

And what am I doing instead of sleeping?? -Having a complete meltdown! I feel like this is the equivalent of her leaving home for the first time, like she doesn't need me any more. I'm sitting in her room, crying, researching SIDS, and checking her every few minutes.

How do I let go? This is such a small step.

I didn't realize just how much I need her and how important it is for me to feel needed by her.

This is a new kind of love.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

I Got This

Yesterday was great! I took Little E out to visit her friend Owen. She was such a good girl! Then we went to the Town Clerk office to get her birth certificate, and the post office to pick up packages. I felt like my life was finally my own again, just being out and running errands. I did it on my own with a 1-month old! I had my shit together for the first time in months!

Then I got home and realized I had my shirt on inside-out...

I give myself an A- for the day, though.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Book Review - Behind the Bell by Dustin Diamond

I permanently have a newborn baby on me, so I'm going to attempt to write this using my phone. Thank you Blogger app!

Why I Read It
I feel the need to justify this book selection for a few reasons:
1. It has awful reviews on Amazon.
2. It's $25 for the hard copy. What?!
3. It's written by a man who created and starred in a porn flick called "Saved by the Smell." Ew.
4. It has an entire chapter dedicated to "getting laid" at Disneyland. Gross.

I guess my curiosity got the better of me... I grew up watching Saved by the Bell and have to admit I wanted the dirty details about what happened behind the scenes. The Kindle version was only $.99. I thought it must be worth at least that much just for the juicy cast gossip. I had heard about Dustin Diamond's sex tape and claims about all the women he'd been with. I was skeptical. Not because of who he is but mainly because he was bragging about it. I had to hear it for myself. The bad reviews got my attention too. I had to know if the book was really as bad as everyone claimed.

FYI: It is.

It's not even 1-star worthy. But if you're like me and enjoy reading really trashy and questionable celebrity gossip written by a delusional goofball, you may give it 2-3 stars for entertainment value alone. I couldn't put it down just wondering if the next page would be worse than the last.

Okay, so to organize my thoughts:

Writing & Grammar (0)
Awful. I think he may have written the entire book on his phone. I can only hope auto-correct is to blame.

Juicy Celebrity Gossip (1)
If you believe it, it's kind of fun to read about the cast and what they were like, who they supposedly were sleeping with, etc. My only issue is that DD seems to still be living on the set of SBTB. He claims that Tiffani is an evil, psycho-bitch whore because she (may have) simultaneously slept with Mario and Mark-Paul, smoked pot, and told DD to fuck off. He goes on to say that kids just don't understand how hard it is working in Hollywood with these Hollywood-raised kids. (No, we had it worse!) Tiffani wasn't an evil psycho-bitch whore. She was 16 and being bitchy. This isn't some phenomenon unique to Hollywood. The fact that he thinks so makes DD seem really out of touch with reality.

DD's Sexcapades (0)
I'm not particularly sensitive about men objectifying women. I just tend to ignore ignorant behaviors/attitudes. But my issue with his approach is that he refers to his female cast mates as whores for sleeping with other members of the cast while he claims to be sleeping with "thousands" of women. His descriptions of these women and what they do are disrespectful at best. But it's all "okay" because he apologizes to all those women for all the "freaky" things he did with them or if he ever disrespected them in any way... Like by writing a tell-all book about his encounters with them?

DD's Weirdness (0)
The aspect of this book that is most annoying is DD's general attitude and weirdness. He writes like a scorned child: "Hey, everyone was smoking pot and sleeping with each other on SBTB, but I was really the one getting all the "chicks." I did other "bad" things too like shoot a bb gun at a neighborhood tomcat and grope chicks on Splash Mountain at Disneyland. Being a celebrity was hard but I was the best actor and did better with my career than anyone else. The only reason I couldn't get a role in the Scooby Doo movie was because I wasn't friends with Sarah Michelle Gellar."

...No, they probably just didn't think it was tasteful to put a self-made porn actor in a kids' movie.

Final Thoughts
DD: It's okay that you're a douche... In fact, people seem to accept your douchiness as if it's some joke - that the Screech we knew could grow up to become some nerdy version of Charlie Sheen. The problem is that you think too highly of yourself to ever even be faux-cool. There's no basis for your arrogance, which made me question the validity of every statement in the book.

Ultimately, my expectations of this book were extremely low before reading. So, I have to give it (1) star for surprising me by being worse than my lowest expectations.

...For a total of 2 stars!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Big Questions

Do I keep letting her sleep in my arms and enjoy a few moments of peaceful "me" time? I can check my email, post to my blog, catch a quick TV show...

Or do I try to move her to her bassinet, so I can catch an hour or two of sleep...but risk waking her up and starting the baby soothing marathon all over again?


Monday, February 6, 2012

Have Yourself a Happy Little Birthday

Woke up yesterday morning after sleeping 9 straight hours!! I ran out into the living room and said, "What's going on??" Mark handed me a smiling baby and said, "Happy Birthday!"

My first birthday as a mom! It wasn't as eventful as the other 28, but I feel pretty blessed to share it with my husband and new daughter! And 9 hours of sleep was the best gift I could ask for!

He also got me a Kindle Fire which is keeping me entertained after 3 hours holding a sleeping baby!

Life is good!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

There Once Was a Bear

Me: There once was a bear who lived in the woods.
Little E: (laughs)
Me: That's just the beginning...
Little E: (confused)
Me: Ok. There once was a bear who lived in the woods...
Little E: (laughs)
Me: That's not the funny part!!
Little E: (very serious)
Me: Ok. There once was a bear who lived in the woods.
Me & Little E: (laughs)