I Facetuned Myself

Yesterday, while doing really important work… on Facebook, I came across an ad for a new app called Facetune. It lets you edit your pics with tools similar to Photoshop’s stamp, blur, and lighten tools. It’s $2.99 but worth it if you have a huge mole or other blemish that you’d prefer to discreetly erase before updating your profile pic. It’d be especially handy for online dating sites, if you wanted to show your best ‘you’ … and if you never planned to meet people face-to-face.

I opened the app and could hardly wait to import my own photo! The only time I get to play on my phone alone is while I’m in the bathroom, so I really put the app to the test with bad bathroom lighting and an awkward, sitting-on-the-toilet pose. I used the “smooth” feature on my porous skin, the “whiten” tool on my Oreo-stained teeth, and the “detail” brush to make my eyes pop. Still, if you don’t have a great photo to start with… the airbrush effect looks a bit out of place and leaves the viewer asking, “How could this not-so-pretty person, who couldn’t afford a light kit  and decent camera, have access to airbrush software?” And the answer would be, “OMGahhhh guyzzz, check out this new app called FACETUNE(zzzz)!!!”

After my first experiment, I really put the app to the test. I asked myself, “But, what if someone had crazy eyes?” I snapped an appropriate pic, then went to work trying to make my eyes look not-so-open. I moved my eyelids every way I could think of, but mainly downward in an attempt to take “psychotic” down a notch to “just really excited about ice cream.” I’m not sure I succeeded, but on a positive note, this confirms something I’ve believed all along: It’s hard to hide crazy. If you “liked” this woman’s profile, you would surely be friends for life and find yourself automatically signed up for a magazine subscription to Miniature Donkey Talk.

Ok, so even though you “can’t disguise those crazy eyes…” which I’m 99% sure is a country song, I was certain that, if I had very few teeth showing and a ridiculously wide grin, I may be able to fix that. I snapped a new pic. Though the app has a “patch” tool that allows you to (hypothetically) paste in some more teeth, it’s difficult to control with your fingers. Also, it doesn’t take a dentist to realize that your two front teeth won’t pass as canines. I decided that Facetune could have saved me some Facetime, if it had a pop-up notification that read: “Don’t even bother.” Since, I saw no other solution, I decided to just make this version of me look really happy.

Final thoughts: I love this app!