We Spent Every Second...

I don't even know what to write about for this Bloggy Moms' Blog Dare. The only thing that I do "every second" is worry. What if E falls down, gets sick, gets a sunburn, gets bug bites? What if I... fall down, get sick, get a sunburn, get bug bites? What if we all die??

My anxiety is always worse with anything medical going on. I went in for a routine check up the other day and tests (just a follow up to my last episode with stomach pain), and the doctor had some minor concerns, so he sent me home but wanted me to come back next week for a quick, "just to make sure everything is ok" test. I did that, and the tests were positive for some kidney-related problems.

Ugh, I hate this stuff. Of course, I asked the stupid question, "Is there a risk this could be something serious?" My doctor said, "Well, yeah -- kidney disease." (panic) "What?" He stressed that he thought there was a low chance of it being that, but still... Did he have to just jump right into it like that? Couldn't he have started with... "I think you're at a low risk for this..."?

Anyway, I just did a round of 24 hour tests last night, and I woke up exhausted and wanting to sleep. I worry constantly. The only time I don't worry is when I pick up E. My mind must switch into mom-mode -- in which there's no room for worry.

When I was seeing a counselor for anxiety during my pregnancy, I would tell her that I was worried that I would be so worried that I would never enjoy my pregnancy. And, the same applies to having E now. If I can't let go of all this worry, how can I really enjoy my kid? Of course, I do. It's hard to focus on anything negative when she's around. The counselor also recommended another tactic. She said, "Every time you feel happy with your pregnancy, with your baby, take a time-out to just enjoy that feeling, relish it."

So, I've been doing that a lot lately. I hug her way too much, kiss her big baby cheeks. We rarely go home, because that doesn't offer enough distractions. We go to the park, to the beach, for stroller walks, to window shop.

Yesterday, we drove down a country rode and looked at the big houses, standing tall in perfectly manicured lawns, fields rising behind them, then mountains, darker mountains, and blue skies. I imagined living here. E must have thought the same thing, because she spoke up from the back seat and went on and on about everything she saw:

"Mommy! Look! A house! A big house! I want that house. (pointing to another house) I want that house! I want to buy a house. I want a house with flowers. I want a house with Mommy."

"Someday, bugaboo!" I say, as we happily dream.