Monday, November 18, 2013

Guess Which Weekend Event Is False

Allow me to sum up my weekend... One of the following is not true:
  1. E ate a Tootsie Pop for breakfast on Saturday morning.
  2. On Sunday, I sat down on an old chair.
  3. It shattered.
  4. My foot hit the underside of the table when I fell.
  5. I broke my toe.
  6. I spent an hour in the ER getting wheeled around, x-rayed, and set up with crutches and a boot.
  7. The doctor demonstrated how the human foot moves by running his hand up and down my thigh.
  8. The nurse was the same nurse who I thought was kidnapping E from the nursery when I was in the maternity ward 2 years ago. I told him that and recounted me stumbling through the nursery door at 4am and demanding, "What's going on!?"
  9. He said, "I'll never forget that..."
  10. He came out into the waiting room to see how big E had grown.
  11. I came home to plan how I would survive the next 4-6 weeks healing with a toddler.
  12. E read me Hooper Humperdink three times and kept asking, "You okay, Mommy?"
  13. To accompany my broken toe, I have a lovely case of strep throat.
  14. I woke up at 2:30am with the worst earache I've ever had in my life.
  15. Though the earache pain subsided, it sounds like I'm in a tin can, and music sounds particularly sharp. Or flat. It's hard to tell.
  16. Mark sneakily crept into E's room to find me my heating pad that was in storage.
  17. I fell asleep on it, crying, while Mark ran his fingers through my hair.
  18. I woke up to a burning face.
  19. I hobbled to the kitchen 3 times in the last 4 hours to eat cereal.
  20. I stepped on a Kix, and as it exploded, I thought I had re-broken my toe from the sound of the crunch.
  21. I watched the entire season of Master Chef Junior. Go Alexander!
  22. E keeps recounting my fall in detail, "Mommy, that chair break on you? You fall down! You hurt yer toe?!" "Yes, let's keep this little incident to ourselves, shall we?"
  23. I was so bored from sitting all day that I downloaded the Smule Karaoke app -- where you sing karaoke solos or duets with others from around the world, recording them with your iPhone.
  24. I attempted my first recorded duet.
  25. I coughed repeatedly and cleared my throat loudly (HACK, COUGH, GAGGGG) before the music started.
  26. The app was already recording...
  27. The irony: At the end of the song, my teammate said, "Excuse my voice, I have a cold."
  28. I read an entire True Crime book and now want a bolt lock and chain for our door.
  29. Mark set me up to work from home today by running an extension cord from one side of the living room to the other.
  30. I promised him I wouldn't trip over it.
  31. First thing this morning, I stepped over it, onto a baby blanket, and slid across the living room.
  32. I yelled, "Whoa there. Whoa. Whoaaaa!!"
  33. And, last but not least, I flew to Paris, ate a lovely slice of Brie paired with some decadent fruit spreads and perfectly aged wine, and rounded out my weekend by living out my dream of being a street mime beneath the twinkling lights of the Eiffel tower at sunset.


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