Notes for Self Improvement

1. It is inappropriate to say (in response to a child with a deep voice), "Smoke another one!" ... especially at day care.

2. As classy and sophisticated as someone may look in a business suit, they can quickly be brought back to "merely human" status when trying a sample of the Oreo Coollata at Dunkin Donuts and, after a dainty sip, gagging loudly into the sleeve of their blazer.

3. It is inappropriate to compare my professional relationship with the new guy at work (who is average height while I'm monstrously tall) as the timeless love (and lift scene) between Johnny Castle and Baby... In which I am Patrick Swayze while singing "Now I... Had... The time of my life..." (Thanks to Melissa.)

4. Though Mel and I, due to our large frames, may feel like grizzly bears competing for the attention of average-sized new guy, it is also inappropriate to act out a grizzly bear stand off in which we stomp our feet and grunt at each other after he walks by.

5. Jokes, like wishes, do come true (and back to you three-fold). So, do not hand your coworker a diaper with their Dunkin' Donuts order of an egg and cheese bagel and a hot chocolate.

6. It is inappropriate to make fun of someone with the last name Assarson and suggest that he name his first child Bernhard.

Vacation!

I've been a lazy blogger lately! I'm so focused on Instagram! We went on vacation, too, this past week, and I actually got to sleep in, play video games and board games, and eat good food!

E was thrilled to be around new people and go for walks in the woods! It was just simple, quality time together with good people! Just what we needed.

Back to work this week, and it's crazy. I'm officially switching to part time hours on July 9th. So looking forward to being just a mommy in the afternoons! More to come later!

It's True...

Me: All I hear is "da da da" all day.

Mark: Aww, that makes me so happy. I hope you don't mind.

Me: I never, ever mind! You just enjoy it, guilt free, okay? Besides, soon enough it'll be "Justin Bieber."

Mark: Oh God, no.

Siri: Personal Assistant or Evil Mastermind Conspirator?

Okay, so last weekend (or was it 2 weekends ago?), I decided that I would let Siri be my personal assistant, because, let's be honest here... I need one.

So, forgive me while I think this one through. I need to make a decision about Siri's future here at Your Mom Is Strange.

Pros

1. I can ask "What's the weather today?" and Siri responds promptly with details about the forecast and what I should wear.
2. I ask her, "What is the fastest route to Montpelier from here?" and she searches and shows me alternate routes.
3. She manages my music collection quite well and readily skips, repeats, or shuffles as needed. This is handy while driving.
4. She can send text messages for me and read them to me. -Also handy while driving.
5. I can tell her to "Call Mark," and she does so without hesitation.
6. She will find photos of weird things I'm curious about.
7. Entertainment value from Cons below...

Cons

1. Her voice is robotic and kind of annoying. "Readyyy... to-send?"
2. Siri lacks any kind of real or artificial intelligence. So, when my nephew instructs her to call me "Madam Farts A Lot," she is happy to comply. Repeatedly. In public.
3. She hasn't quite mastered my strange English/New York/Vermont accent and has sent my friends text messages with odd phrases like "donut hulls," "I'm so Siri," "Norma, Norma," and "Incoming for Longwood." I tried using the male British version of Siri and speaking to him like Hermoine Granger, but that didn't work. (He did, however, make "Madam Farts A Lot" sound less like an insult and more like the name of a posh English... prostitute?)
4. She doesn't quite get Mark's sense of humor. He'll send racy text messages when he knows she'll be reading them out loud to me. There's something unsettling about hearing a female robot say, "Me love you long time," and "Five dolla, make you holla."
5. She won't actually create a shopping list for me. We had a 5 minute argument about creating a note versus a list, and at the end, she said, "I'm sorry. I don't understand, Madam Farts A Lot."
6. She can't clean my apartment.

I do think she may be an evil mastermind conspirator out to ruin me and destroy everything that is good in the world, but I think I'll keep her on for awhile longer. She actually seems to be getting used to my accent, and the entertainment value is a biggie for me. She's my own personal jester. Dance, Siri, dance!

To My Ellie

I've never been so miserable with allergies, work stress, and lack of sleep after staying up the last few nights while you're teething.

And I've never been so happy in my life either. We've had so many special moments cuddling. I know it's a comfort for you just to be with me. You've been the same to me - my own little bundle of happiness, giggles, and warmth.

Tonight I sang as you drifted to sleep: Take my hand. Take my whole life too. Cause I can't help... falling in love with you.

Sleep tight my baby bird. Smiles await you when you rise.

xoxo

Project Life - Week 21

What's New

So... I haven't actually written in awhile and am a tad behind on Project Life. Usually I get my page done on the weekend. The whole point of doing Project Life was to make it easier to scrapbook, but I've been feeling pressure to make the pages more customized. I need to let that go and just get the photos on the page. Task 1.

My house is a mess. No, it's a disaster. I have dirty dishes piled in the sink, dirty pots on the stove from last night's dinner, and 4 bags of garbage that need to be taken out. E's room is getting messy, and the clutter everywhere else has got to go. I came up with a plan to have each of us take ownership of rooms. Mark's responsibilities are the kitchen, dishes, and our bedroom. He works late, so I let him off easy. The plan was for each of us to do a simple "maintenance" clean when we got in each night after work. Dishes rinsed, counters picked up, rooms neatened. 10 minutes, tops. This plan worked great before we had E. My counselor claims I have ADHD tendencies, so I am easily distracted, and the apartment is littered with my unfinished projects. But if each day I could just clear the few messes from that day, I'd stay on top of it. Mark has stubbornly refused to help at all the last few weeks. I had to forge his signature on the cleaning contract I created to seal the deal on this plan. I know he works hard, and we're both exhausted, but we have to keep up the clean! Task 2.

Ellie is, what doctors call, an "active baby." She is constantly moving, rolling, talking, laughing, and needs constant attention to keep her happy. She also needs room. I have a master plan for home organization. I always do, but this one is seeming like more of a necessity each day E gets a little stronger and a little closer to crawling. We're going to have to build a cage for her. Let's call it a play pen. Seriously, though, she needs a play room in an area of our apartment where I can see her at all times. When we turned our office into her room, everything in it ended up in totes in the dining room. I need to move all those totes into our bedroom closet and move our dining room table off the walkway into the living room. Then the dining room will become her playroom. It's just one big room, so if sectioned correctly, I think it will work. Task 3.

I have at least 1 freelance job to finish. It's a hip hop poster. Those are so hard for me, because I'm more of an 80s rock kinda classic rock kinda Abba kinda gal... I've done them before, it just takes me some time to get into the hip hop vibe. It's for a dance workshop. I understand dance even though I can't... dance. Task 4. Dance. No, make poster.

These 4 things are really weighing me down. They feel so overwhelming with a full time job. I'm working half days at home and have a baby. Am I being a wimp? Do other moms do all this effortlessly? Is it just my anxiety making these 4 tasks seem monstrous?

Maybe partially. Whether it will help or hurt, I don't know, but I decided to quit my day job. Then my boss talked me into working part-time. I don't know what this will mean for benefits, etc. I have to figure out all the details. But for the first time in my life, I made a (fairly) big decision on emotion alone. I didn't do the math, literally. Ok, I did basic math. We can afford rent, our cars, and food for E. I know that. The rest is a leap of faith. I hope it's like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and there's a stone bridge beneath me. Yeah, God is like that. Always my stone bridge.

We keep getting a call from a company called Stonebridge. I think it's a telemarketer. Or a code name for a Jason Bourne mission...

Anyhoo... The times they are a changin'. I have to post an update about my week with Siri as my personal assistant. It didn't go as planned, so I need to make a 'pros and cons' list and decide if I should fire her. Task 5.

Blog more. Task 6.

Project Life - Week 20

Top photos by my sister-in-law. You can follow her here:
Site: www.pugsandpics.com
Twitter: @kimbi802
Facebook: www.facebook.com/kjgiffordphotography

Personal Assistant

I desperately need a personal assistant. If I could just tell someone to get my breakfast, clean out my bedroom closet, and manage all my appointments, it would reduce so much anxiety in my life!

But who can afford that? Not this girl. Instead, I think it's time to promote Siri.

If you remember, the last time I trusted Siri to send a text message, it didn't go well. I asked her to "Tell Mark, 'I'm hungry." She promptly sent a message that read "Incoming for Longwood." True story.

Ok, so I was talking to her with food in my mouth. She needs to get used to that "accent."

Mark came home early from work that night with more anticipation in his eyes than I could live up to on a week night, and Siri was soon demoted.

The one thing she is good at is managing my music collection, so I changed her title to "Ambient Audio Coordinator" (or DJ) and let her handle only that task for awhile.

But maybe if I really put my full trust in her and let her manage everything she's technically capable of managing, she'll rise to the challenge.

I have no other choice. So, I'm giving her a one-week trial starting today. I will promote her to Personal Assistant, let go of my control-freakiness for one week, and let Siri help me. Then maybe I'll find time to clean out the closet and eat breakfast.

I will also let her post tweets via text message, so please excuse any typos or blatant insults.