But, the whole reason this idea and drive to write and create art has come about is through meditation and focusing on what I love to do, asking my higher power (whoever he or she may be) to give me some guidance, then letting ideas flow into my subconscious freely, and being open to different ideas. Then, when I'm 100% sure about what I want to do -- like this art-resource site, I've let my conscious brain slowly mull it over, for weeks. I ask myself, "If today, I had to hold a free art class in the park, would I be okay with that? Would I be happy about it? Would I feel overwhelmed?" Yes, I would. So, maybe we put the art class idea on hold for now and work toward building the site. Then I can work in classes and networking ideas (things that may be overwhelming for me socially) when I have the time, energy, and when I'm in the right frame of mind. Great, okay. Good idea, let's keep going...
Though I have been meditating and practicing zen-techniques like drawing, zentangling, etc., I haven't actually opened myself up to, what I believe is, spirit communication in awhile. I've been able to, quite successfully, turn that off. I'm proud of this. My last few "visions" during meditation were violent ones. And, even that I could deal with, if I hadn't later found out that these people were real and suffered some violent end to their lives, like the Uden family, whose ordeal I dreamed about years before. In the dream, I was supposed to reach out to Claire Uden, who I later learned died right before I discovered that she was a very real person who was reaching out to psychics to find her daughter's killer. It was heartbreaking. I know that none of this is an exact science, but knowing that I missed an opportunity to really help someone, that did not sit well with me.
And, before I go on, I want you to know that, yes, I see a counselor for anxiety, and yes, it is her professional opinion that I am not crazy or hallucinating. Haha!
So, as with most things spiritual or emotional, by nature, the more you ignore them, the more they intensify and creep up when you least expect it.
If you're a reader of any of my other spiritual posts or my (not recently updated IntuitiveExperiment blog), you'll know that I try my best to present facts only. I believe in my experiences but am open to them being my imagination. Of course, it feels like more, especially when you're presented with facts to confirm premonitions, but I still struggle about what this all is and still feel that it falls into some realm of scientific reality -- alternate realities/dimensions, something. Somewhere science and spirituality meet. I'm just reporting on my Strange existence... Feel free to take anything (or nothing) away from it. Okay, now that that's out of the way...
I've started seeing spirits. Yep, I'm actually going to admit to that (deep breath). A few months ago, it happened for the first time... which made me realize that it had happened before, but I had ignored it or chalked it up to my imagination. Oh boy, this story is about to get longer and weirder... I'm going to go with it!
I've been really drawn to pursue doodling/zentangling, and I now think it's for a reason. The doodling or zentangling process is different for me than other types of artwork, because it's more about looking for shapes and objects in other shapes. It's kind of like how we see the "man in the moon" or how our brains are naturally trained to look for faces in things... you know, Jesus-in-a-piece-of-toast stuff. Matrixing. (Matrixing is a term used to describe the brain's ability to "see" a face or figure in a photograph, or any object, when none is actually present.) That's just our brains' way of trying to make sense of things that don't visually make sense. It's kind of like learning to see those 3D illusion posters. Eventually, our brain clicks on, our eyes shift, and we see the big picture.
^ But, it's not exactly like that, or I could definitely chalk it up to "matrixing" and my brain's search for common sense among the chaos. It's actually more like in the Matrix when Neo can see all those 1s and 0s... or somewhere inbetween.Okay, so back to a few months ago. I was driving past my office building, and I glanced in that direction. Against the side of the brick wall, I saw a man wearing a black t-shirt, black shorts, leaning with one leg propped against the wall, knee sticking out. I looked back at the road, then back at the building wondering who was standing there, which of my co-workers. The man was gone. This happened in a split second, and I thought it was weird. It happened so quickly that I, of course, blamed my imagination, matrixing, though there were no trees or shadows in the area that would have caused my brain to pick out that shape. As I remembered it, my brain filled in the details -- long, shaggy hair, sunken-in eyes. His posture screamed hopelessness.
Could this be my brain's interpretation of a blob out of the corner of my eye? Sure. And what does that say about my own subconscious? Is part of my subconscious a tired chain smoker who likes to lean against brick walls? Maybe. I can accept that possibility. I can accept a reality in which God or "spirit" doesn't exist. I don't like it. It doesn't feel right to me, but I can Imagine it... thanks to John Lennon, big thumbs up to you, Mister.
But it's a heck of a lot more fun to imagine that there's more out there... that somewhere fantasy meets reality, that after we die, in some other dimension(s), our lives repeat themselves, and that we take different paths.
While I was doubting this, the troubled man showed up in new locations. I saw him walking up the hill to work the other day. Again, I saw him, and in a fraction-of-a-second, he was gone. This time I noticed he had white socks on and dirty, sandy sneakers. Sharp breath, I tried to relax.
If anyone on the "other side" wanted me to witness this, they've been easing me into it slowly, and maybe even training my brain to see the world differently.
I wondered who this man could be. I remembered that a man committed suicide on the train tracks, right across the street from my work. And the hill is right next to the train tracks. Maybe? We will never, ever know. Accepting that the unknown is unknown -- another Lennon thought. It's freeing, really. I can meditate, open myself to communication, and imagine what it all means, never really knowing for sure.
A few weeks ago, I was driving by our local inn, the one that's under major construction in my hometown. They're literally picking up the original house and moving it about 100 feet. Out front, near the road, someone, at one time, lovingly planted beautiful purple flowers around the inn's original sign. They're growing a little out of control right now. As I passed, I looked up and saw a woman tending to the flowers. She wasn't dressed in old clothing. She had dirty-blond hair pulled back in a ponytail, frizzy curls around her face. She was wearing a purple tank-top and khaki shorts.
Like before, I saw her as I was looking away, but not like a weird matrixing vision out of the corner of my eye. She was right there, in front of me. Then gone. I didn't drive off the road or anything, I just silently accepted it as "weird." Then, for the heck of it, I silently asked for a name and heard (in my head) "Kathleen."
Upon further research this morning, yes there is a woman named Kathleen tied to this family who owned the inn. Yes, she very closely resembles the woman I saw. Coincidence? Hell if I know. Kathleen is a pretty common name.
Then, on Monday morning, after Mark and Ellie had left, I hopped in the shower. Right after I got in, I heard a woman cough. In my bathroom. Not a muffled cough. A real, life, in-the-room-with-me cough. Then a chuckle. I poked my head out of the shower curtain, thinking Mark or Ellie had come back in for something. They were long gone. I'm not stupid. I know we live in an apartment building. I know sound travels.
I didn't say anything to Mark. In fact, I forgot about it until the next morning when my (spiritual but very logical and skeptical husband) said, "Did you hear that?" He was brushing his teeth. He stepped out of the bathroom door and looked around. I was standing in the kitchen. "What!?" I yelled. "Are you laughing?" "Um, no," I replied. I'm making a turkey sandwich for a toddler at 7am after very little sleep... I am not laughing. I am not feeling jolly.
"I heard a woman laughing in here," he said.
"Weird! I thought I heard a woman cough then chuckle yesterday morning."
"Hmm. Strange," he said, as we rushed out the door to day care and work.
Yep, that about sums it up... It's just strange. Could sound have strangely traveled between rooms of our apartments due to, I don't know, the faucets being on at the same time? Sound-carrying light waves? I'm no scientist. Could they have traveled from another dimension? Sure, again... I mean, I'm no scientist. Could the dead be reaching out to me via my new-found sensitivity to the spirit world...? That'd be kind of neat.
All I know is that, I live in a world where anything is possible!
And that is kind of... the amazing part.
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